I hope when I die my last breath is spent laughing.  As Art and I spoke of marriage, I always loved the thought of having the last name “Joye”.  It was something to which to aspire.  As we headed out on our honeymoon the day after getting married, Art reached over from the driver’s seat of the car, took my left hand with his right (as he often did), looked over at me, smiled and said “We are finally ‘THE JOYES’”.  We were both so happy about it.  We couldn’t have imagined that ten days later he would be gone.  I don’t share that last sentence to focus on the sadness that transpired, but to hang onto to the “JOYE”.

I have battled depression a great deal of my life, have been in and out of therapy, have taken medication for it and still it is a struggle some days.  This week has been one of a lot of soul searching and I feel the universe, God, the angels, or some unseen force has guided me to a special understanding.

I don’t have reason to be depressed.  There are many in this world who struggle every day to survive in various forms either physically, mentally or emotionally.  My life in comparison to some is a cake walk. I’ve been told by doctors that I have a chemical imbalance that causes the depression for no reason, but to me it seems like a failure on my part to just “suck it up” to “be strong” to “quit wallowing in self-pity”.

Earlier this week, my sister and I were talking about death and/or not being able to continue living on our own, and the prospect of going forward one without the other.  The conversation was punctuated by tears and some laughter (my twisted humor always seems to grab hold when a conversation gets a little too serious).

That night I had a video call with my two daughters and I was sharing the conversation with them and reminding them of the fact that I don’t want a sad funeral when I die.  I want there to be a party with food, drink, people sharing stories and memories of the fun times, and with lots and lots of laughter.

My oldest, Heather, got a funny look on her face as I shared the conversation I’d had with my sister.   She said “Mom, I hope it doesn’t happen for a long time, but do you want to hear what I’ve been doing to prepare for that time?”  When I said “yes” she began telling me of her sneaky plan.  The girls and I generally have at least one video call a week when one of us is needing a little emotional support, wanting to check in health wise, or just share something funny.  Sometimes those video calls have ended up with us playing interactive games like narwhal ring toss or other silliness…which is always enjoyed.

Heather has at times, posted pictures on Facebook or within family texts of screenshots from some of our calls. Sometimes they are embarrassing, but hey, if it brings a smile, it’s worth it.  Heather then shared with me that she has been compiling screenshots of some of our video chats, and informed me that she was going to have them playing on a loop with appropriate music at my “sendoff party”.  She then sent Heidi and I some of the ones she has saved.  I’m telling you, I nearly died laughing.  She has pictures of me on the floor covered with a towel after a hot bath as we gabbed…I literally looked like I had fallen and DIDN’T GET UP!   She said she had pictures from one night when we talked while I was in the soaking tub (don’t worry…it was PG13 with plenty of bubbles).  She has shots of the night I was trying to lift her spirits by doing a “redneck cooking show” using bologna and I had two slices of bologna stuck to the front of my shirt…one over each breast.  (Don’t ask!)  Some are beyond description and will be left as a surprise….you’ll have to come to the party.  Anyway, I loved the idea and so did Heidi!

I spoke with my sister again after that and was telling her of Heather’s plans.  My sister asked in horror, “Rose!  She isn’t REALLY going to do that is she?”  To which I replied that I had given my blessing to the project.  It will be embarrassing, but heck, I’ll be too dead to care! Hopefully it will bring laughter instead of tears…or at least through the tears.

As I shared a discussion about life last night with several “YouTube friends” they reminded me that I need to quit worrying and feeling guilty about my perceived failings in the past and focus on learning lessons from them, closing the door on them, moving on and focus on the positive.  I was so grateful to them for the reminder.

I happened then to see a friend that had posted on Facebook about one of the contestants on America’s Got Talent, Jane Marczewski-Claudio, who had been given the golden buzzer from Simon Cowell in August 2021. She went by the stage name, “Nighbirde”.  She had come to the audition even though doctors had given her only a 2% chance of survival after a four-year battle with breast cancer which had metastasized to her lungs, spine and liver.  She was so inspirational and said during her audition video, “I have a two percent chance of survival, but two percent is not zero percent. Two percent is something, and I wish people knew how amazing it is.” She had to withdraw from the competition three months later as her health worsened and she passed on February 19^th at the young age of 31.

I don’t watch much regular TV, so I was unfamiliar with her and last night spent time looking up information about her and her inspirational story.  I literally marveled as I watched videos she had made as she was dying in order to inspire others.

She made one statement that touched my heart so deeply that I have printed it out, posted it on my bathroom mirror and have it as the desktop image on my computer.  She wisely said:

“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”

What wisdom from a young woman with a wise-beyond-her-years soul!

So, with that thought in mind, heck, yes, Heather!  Keep taking the screen shots of our calls.  I hope there are so many you don’t have to loop them and they last through my whole “sendoff party”.  My original thinking was that I might have to try to clean up a bit more for our calls from now on, but hey, as Bonnie Raitt sang “Let’s Give ‘Em Something to Talk About!”  I want to die laughing and have my friends and family join in the smiles when I’m gone.