I’m ashamed to say I’ve never been the best housekeeper.  Far from it.  Maybe it was “genetic”. My mom was a terrible housekeeper.  As kids, my younger sister and I were often made to clean, iron, mop, etc.  Not normal simple chores like most kids, we were like the maids.  Back in those days everything had to be ironed.  Mom would wash clothes and when they were dry she would throw the clothes into a basket to be ironed “later”.  That laundry basket would pile up as tall as I was.  If we needed something to wear, we generally had to go dig it out of the basket and iron it ourselves.  If I wanted to spend the night with one of my favorite aunts, assuming I was allowed to go, it was only if I completed “all the ironing” or some such thing.    I came to hate housework.  You’d think I would have been determined not to be like my mother and would become a spotless housekeeper, but nope.  My sister did, but not me.  For some reason I can decorate a home but have a heck of a time keeping it clean.

When I had my own home, I was always into crafts, cake decorating, working a full time job, raising three children, being active in our church…teaching Sunday school and the women’s auxiliary, trying to create a beautiful yard and beautifully decorated home (albeit through clutter).  Life was busy, the house got messy from life and I was always behind in getting it picked up.

Since I’ve retired I’ve just gotten lazy.  When I feel energetic these days I tend to go out and work in the yard rather than clean house.  I always think I’ll dust, mop, vacuum, etc. tomorrow.  It’s easy to put things off….tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow…..

One of my big fears in life, however, is that I will die with a messy house and my girls will come in and be saying “Can you believe this mess?  What in the world was wrong with her?”

I’m trying to get the “Fly Lady” system set up.  It is a schedule of household and daily living tasks that is supposed to help keep you organized and your home clean and reduce the stress.

I don’t want to ever again have to do a “Holy Crap!!!  Company is Coming” cleanup.  This is shameful to admit, but when I know someone is coming to visit, I am generally up all night trying to clean the things I have ignored.  Geez!  How long since I’ve cleaned that toilet?  How long since I’ve mopped the kitchen floor?  It must have been a while…when I walk in there,  my slippers inevitably find a sticky spot and then with each step make that “tacky Velcro-like” sound as I lift my foot.

My oldest daughter, Heather, and her fiancé, Jeremy, came down Saturday and will be staying with me until next Friday.  That meant it was time to do the “Holy Crap!!!  Company is Coming” clean.  As I swished, mopped, washed and dusted, I vowed to never have to do a panic clean again.  After all of that, there was only one thing left….

Cue the theme song from “JAWS”….OH NO!!!  THE FRIDGE!!!!  In my house that is where leftovers go to DIE.  I put them in and the next day they have magically disappeared.  They apparently crawl to the back of the shelves where I can’t see them.  As time buzzes past, new leftovers are put in and new groceries are put away.  Leftovers?  What leftovers?  I don’t think I have any leftovers.

I opened the fridge.  What the heck is that smell???  Now it’s time to play “Find The Decomposed Food”.   I started on the top shelf and dug towards the back.  I tried to move that bottle of Tart Cherry Juice and it was stuck to the shelf!  Apparently some of the thick syrup dribbled down the side and fell in love with the glass shelf.  Now they were inseparable.  I got a spatula and pried the bottle from the shelf.

I took everything out and placed it on the island.  I washed the shelf, wiped off all the bottles and put them back in.  Ahhh.  Sniff, Sniff.  Nope that smell was still there.

Second shelf, nothing sticking at the front; I dug a little further back.  Geez Louise!  A jar of olives had tipped over at the back of the shelf and apparently I didn’t put the lid back on tightly.  (The worst thing about living alone is that you have no one to blame but yourself when something like this happens.)  I pulled the now drained jar of olives out and found that the brownish green brine from the jar had poured down the back of the shelf, like a long brown snake, slithering down the back wall of the fridge, into shelf number three and likely to the lower drawers and bottom of the fridge itself.  I took everything out…wiped everything off and cleaned the back wall of the fridge and the shelf.  I put it all back.  Maybe that was the smell.  Sniff, Sniff.  Nope.

Third shelf, I said hello to the dried olive juice that had dripped down to the tops of the Tupperware containers that had crawled to the back of that shelf.  I took the containers out to wipe them down.  I started wiping the lids, looked at one of the containers and said to myself “What is IN this thing???”  I took the lid off to find a petri dish of penicillin.  Whoa!  That stunk!  Flushed the contents down the toilet and rinsed the container and put it in the dishwasher.  Next container….I had no clue what it was, but it stunk and looked like something I saw on Ghostbusters….I’d been slimed.  I repeated the previous steps.  Cleaned the shelf.  Sniff; sniff…nope….still stinks.

I “efficiently” have the two drawers in the bottom of my fridge labeled.  The top one is marked “Veggies” and the bottom “Meats and Cheeses”.  I trembled as I realized the smell had to be coming from one of the drawers.  I had to pull them out to clean the olive juice which had dried on the back and inside floor of the fridge where I found the balance of the olive juice hardened into a poker chip.  Scrub, scrub, wash.

Now to the drawers, the stink is for sure in one or both of the drawers.  I decided to attack the meat and cheese drawer first as generally there is very little meat inside so it usually isn’t too bad.  Cue the theme from Psycho.  I heard Norman Bates’ mother saying “Rosie, you KNOW what you have to do…”

I turned to the “Meats and Cheeses” drawer.  I HAD to face it!  Dang!!!  I forgot I had that deli meat in there.  It didn’t smell too bad but had a zombie color to it.  In the trash it went.  Cha Ching!  I shuffled cheeses around, all looked okay….wait.  What did I have in that Tupperware container in this drawer?  Mozzarella cheese…through the top of the container, I saw green spots!  Off came the lid…another science experiment!   What happened to all that Caprese salad I was going to make with this?  Cha Ching!  That’s $4 or $5 wasted.

So far nothing life threatening had been discovered.  That meant the culprit must be in the veggie drawer.  I turned to see a gray cloud above the drawer now sitting next to my sink.  There it was the cloud of stink…there must have been a dead animal in that drawer!  What else could smell so terrible???!!!   The odor enveloped me!!! I HAD RELEASED THE KRAKEN!!  Where is Perseus from Clash of the Titans when you need him?  He knows how to handle this creature.

I looked in the drawer.  All of my plans for eating healthy were now in an odiferous pile.   If only my body would shrink the way those veggies had.  All those bags of lovely green, red and orange veggies had “melted”, shrunk down into a layer of mush.  Among the mush there were a few lumps and bumps that looked like they could be zombie parts…”OH THE HUMANITY!”….. Cha Ching!  I didn’t even want to think about how much I paid for those lovely veggies now looking like something from a horror show.  I salvaged the head of cabbage and one zucchini.  The rest went in the trash.  I cleaned out the drawers and put them both back.  Sniff, Sniff.  Ahhh. Smelled nice and fresh.

I turned around and headed back to the sink to let the water out and as I passed the trash can…IT WAS BACK!!  I had simply moved the Kraken from the fridge to the trash can. Even with the metal lid being closed he was creeping out.

I realized I needed to make a quick trip to the dump or this Kraken aroma would overtake my home!!!   I ran to my car and threw that monster into the trunk.  I live in the country with no trash pickup.  Fortunately the dump is only a quarter mile away so the odor didn’t have time to stink up my trunk.    As I grabbed the stinking Hefty bag out of my car and threw it into the compactor at the dump, I thought….I did it!  I conquered the Kraken!!!  You can just call me Perseus.

Now Perseus needs to go home and learn the Fly Lady system so this never happens again.  I am victorious!  If I can beat the Kraken I can keep my house really clean.

Now it’s time for a shower….I think that smell is in my nose!