IBS and HOME APPRAISALS DO NOT MIX

WARNING*** IF BATHROOM/BODILY FUNCTION HUMOR BOTHERS YOU, PLEASE PASS ON THIS ONE.

Some background…when I bought this house in 2013, it was a foreclosure and was in typical foreclosure condition. If it tells you anything, after closing I came back to the house, walked around and started crying wondering if I had made a terrible mistake.

Over the years, I have done tons of repairs and upgrades to the house and yard….sometimes on my own, sometimes with Art if we were together.

The house is now worth more than twice what is owing on it, yet Wells Fargo won’t remove the Private Mortgage Insurance (the insurance to guarantee the loan for Wells Fargo) that I was required to have until there is a new appraisal…which of course comes out of my pocket.  That being said, getting rid of the PMI will reduce my house payment by $67 a month, so I paid for the appraisal and the gentleman was scheduled to come out at 8:30 this morning.

Now….the bathroom talk. I have irritable bowel syndrome and really have a rough time when I get nervous. So to avoid problems as the appraisal approached, I worked really hard all week to make sure the house looked perfect, using essential oils in each room so it smelled nice, all the lamps on before he arrived so it would be bright and cheery…you get the picture. I wanted to wake up with no stress prior to his arrival.

Fortunately my sleep issues have greatly improved (thank you Patty Manzano and the detox she recommended) so I woke up before my alarm and thought I would just get up, shower, dress and CALMLY await the appraiser.

All was fine until about 7:45 a.m. I started getting gas…very UNPLEASANT gas. I kept wondering where the safest place was to let it pass so the house didn’t having clouds of obnoxious smells wafting through the air.  I even debated stepping outside, but it was too frequent. It kept getting worse and more frequent and the thoughts of having an irritable bowel explosion began taunting me…of course, making me more nervous.  I kept telling myself that even with the rumblings going on in my stomach, I would be fine.

Sure enough at 8:20 the apocalypse hit! I ran for the bathroom praying the appraiser would be late. I made it without any “damage” requiring another shower and change of clothes, but just as I finished and flushed…..you guessed it. “DING DONG” and it wasn’t Avon calling!

OMG!! I pulled up my pants, sprayed lilac scented air freshener all over and answered the door. I prayed the scent didn’t follow me to the door and he would go upstairs first and give the bathroom time to “settle”….but NOOOOOO! He spent about three minutes asking questions, took pictures of the living room and made a bee line for the master bedroom and bath!!! Maybe it wasn’t too bad???

I waited.  I listened for sounds of choking, coughing or gagging.  He had a mask on so maybe that would give him another layer of protection…not from Covid, but from “what Rosie Did”.  I heard nothing.  He came out looking normal….his eyes weren’t tearing up or glazed over.  Maybe it wasn’t too bad???

He proceeded with his tour.  As he was at the upstairs landing, he pointed to the AirDoctor air purifier I have there and asked what it was.  When I explained it cleans the air and removes pollutants, he didn’t say “Well, honey, you’d better move that to your master bathroom!!”  He just mentioned he would have to check into buying one of them.  Maybe it wasn’t too bad???

He hadn’t pulled out of the driveway before I had to do a video call to my daughters to tell them what had happened. We all have tummy issues, so I knew they would relate. As we laughed until tears rolled, Heidi asked, “You did spray air freshener didn’t you?” I explained that I had, but shared with the girls that it had probably just added another “layer” of scent and not removed the original one.

Maybe it wasn’t too bad??? Or maybe he will knock $10,000 off for a beautiful master bath that smells like lilac scented poop. Geez The struggle is real!!