LESSONS LEARNED TOO LATE

I have been working on my website tonight, going through pictures and recalling memories.

The purpose of starting my blog and website is to share life experiences I’ve had…sometimes lessons learned, if you will.  Some of them are funny, some serious and some may be heart breaking.  I share them in hopes of helping others with what I have learned and am still learning, or possibly lifting someone up.

I have struggled with depression a great deal of my life…at times to a point of being suicidal. Some of it I know was from childhood abuse which destroyed any hopes of self-esteem and made me feel totally unlovable.  My husbands, my children, every relationship I have ever been in suffered because of it.  To put it plainly, as we say in south, “I just ain’t right”…at least in my own thinking.

I’m going to share some things in this blog that may be difficult to read.  They are very personal, but there is a purpose. They may start out sounding negative, but stick with me….they aren’t negative at all…they are teaching moments.  I’m going to share some personal things about Art and myself and they are lessons and demons that he was never able to conquer in this life and I continue to struggle with.  I know in my heart he would be okay sharing them in hopes someone else may learn from them.

If you have been my friend for a while, or read my blogs, you know I’m a pretty open person.  I’m an introvert, but I’m an open introvert.  My children and I have always been able to discuss pretty much anything.  Their spouses and friends were sometimes shocked about the openness we have.  I wanted my children to always feel safe to come to me with anything.  I don’t know if they always did, but I think generally they did and do.

When I met Art, I learned that not all families are so open.

Art and I had been together for the better part of eleven years in 2019 when we finally married.  He had been granted a divorce from his ex in 2007 (the year before we met) but their legal battles over property continued for many years.  I was honestly surprised that he was ever willing to marry again.  They were both angry and hurt.

I learned many things about Art over the years…the most important, and one I wish I had learned early on, was that deep down he didn’t feel loved.  He was always “on stage”, always joking and clowning…he loved to make people smile.  He wanted everyone to like him…he wanted to be loved.  Heck, we all do…but what price do we pay?

He liked to talk about the “things” he had acquired in life (especially cars and the lake house) in hopes people would think highly of him and felt these things gave him status.  It wasn’t until the last few years that he finally seemed to realize that happiness doesn’t come from “things”.  I think he finally felt loved.  He was finally sure of my love and he had the love of my children.

I say he was “finally” sure of my love because I broke up with Art at least four times over the first nine years.

Art could NEVER tell someone something he thought would make them upset unless he was angry.  He didn’t like confrontation.  His solution was to pretend it didn’t exist…just ignore it and it will go away.

He took that approach with old girlfriends.  He felt if he just ignored them (I guess now it is called “ghosting”) they would eventually figure it out and go away.  In his mind, Ta-Da!  Problem solved.  With two ex-girlfriends, they didn’t get the message.  One was from before he and I met and she continued to stalk him and harass both of us for years.  I broke up with him twice over her because he refused to get a restraining order against her.

The second was someone he dated during one of our breakups.  Even after she knew he and I were back together she continued to wait in the parking lot of his office to see him, she would call and write.  It made life a living hell for me because of my insecurities.  If he just could have stood up to them and made clear they were done, I probably would have never broken up with him.  I think my constant ending things with him made him feel even more insecure and unloved because he just didn’t get that his actions (or lack thereof) were causing the problem

His problem with being afraid of having someone upset with him caused other problems as well.

Father’s Day is approaching and it always stirs up so many emotions….not many good ones for me.  Suffice it to say that when my father died and I looked at him at the funeral home, all I could think of was “I’m so glad you will never be able to hurt anyone ever again!” (That is my cleaned-up version of what I actually thought.)  That being said I still always tried to be kind to my father after I left home.  I sent cards and gifts on holidays and birthdays.  He may not have been “deserving” of my love, but he was still my father.  I only share this because even with my childhood, I didn’t treat my father badly or “disown” him.

Father’s Day was always tough for Art as he mourned his damaged relationships with his children.  They never reconciled before he died.  I want to make clear that I in no way am blaming his children.  His damaged relationship is due in part to his failure to communicate in a tough situation.   When Art filed for divorce and left his wife, he never sat down and had a talk with his children about what he was going to do.  He just left…he was afraid of the confrontation.  He ignored the situation hoping it would just get better on it’s on.  He said he always thought he could contact them later and make-up when things weren’t in the heat of the situation.  That didn’t happen.  They wanted nothing to do with him.  The damage had been done.  I told him once that I thought it was the biggest mistake he had ever made.  He agreed.

He reached out from time to time to his children via emails, care packages to his son when he was in the military, and he went to where the girls worked at times and gave them money, but there were no responses to his emails, texts, phone calls, packages or visits.  From when I met him in 2008, he never received a note, call or text on Father’s Day, his birthday, or Christmas.  He received one message on Facebook once from one of his children who was upset at something he had said in a post.  He wasn’t invited to his children’s graduations (boot camp, beauty college, high school) and he wasn’t told about or invited to his daughter’s wedding (much less asked to walk her down the aisle).  He literally sat down and sobbed when he found out about that.  I held him as he cried for what he had lost.

Every Father’s Day and birthday I would ask if he had checked his Facebook to see if they might have sent him a note.  He always said he hadn’t.  I would encourage him to look…hoping against hope that one of them would write….it never happened.  For many years he was brokenhearted about it…then the numbness set it and he gave up hope.

Things had gone bad in Art’s marriage years before he finally filed for divorce but he was hung up with the Christian attitude of till death do us part.  He had mentally divorced, but hadn’t really dealt with it.   During those last few years he told me of the horrible fights and screaming matches…the kids were witness to much of this.  Then during the separation things got particularly dirty and the kids were witness to that.

During legal proceedings after the divorce dealing with property distribution and when Art had to get a restraining order against his ex, some of the children were often in court with their mother…at times even yelling out in court.  The divorce was so very bitter and there was so much hatred and anger…so much fighting over “stuff”, money and old pains left open.

Art received a message on Facebook from one of his children’s in-laws accusing him of being a horrible father and never reaching out to his children.  Obviously they had never been told about any of his communications with them.  He was ripped apart by them for his “lavish life-style” yet not helping his children financially.  At the time this message came through his lake house was about to be foreclosed upon.  They didn’t know that and Art never let on to anyone what he was going through. He sold his car and nearly every stick of furniture he owned to save that house.  For many years I had to subsidize his house payments because his income wouldn’t cover it..  Nobody knew that.  Yet there was all this anger directed at him….all because there wasn’t open and honest communication on Art’s part.

When Art died one of his former friends who is still friends with his ex-wife posted a horrible comment on a condolence post on Facebook stating that Art had married me to “screw his children over”.  I was heartbroken.  One of my daughters deleted the post and sent a private message to the man about there being a special place in hell for someone who would write such a post.  It appears he has still never opened it.

A woman who was friends with Art and his ex made a comment on Facebook saying how we should all pray for the broken relationship with Art and his children and that “If Art is in the presence of God he’ll be waiting for them all with open arms for the very best family reunion!”  The sad thing is, no one ever knew how many times Art had reached out to his children with open arms and received no response ever to his communications or his visits.

What I’m about to say is some very personal information, but it shows how very wrong people can be in their judgements when they don’t know the facts.  These people were hating Art and making vile comments because of perceived money they felt he should give to his children.  When he died, he had no money.  He had a house with a mortgage for nearly as much as its worth.  He had no life insurance, no health insurance.  His hospital bills were nearly $200,000.  With only Medicare as insurance, it left me, as his spouse, responsible for 20% of that.  Yet he is defamed by good “Christians” for not providing an inheritance for his children?  There is no money…nothing but debt…but no one knows that because an illusion was painted by Art as he tried desperately to have people respect, love and care for him.

After seeing some of those remarks and other things that transpired immediately after his death, there was so much fear of the anger and possible “scenes” at a funeral, I simply stated he had requested no service.   There was concern by me and by others that if he were buried his grave would be desecrated because hatred was so strong against him as a result of what transpired and the bitterness during the divorce.  As a result, I had him cremated.  That is the only way I can know his remains are safe and not defiled. It is tragic when hatred is so strong that you have to worry about a grave being desecrated.  When I die, I will be cremated and my children have been instructed to take both sets of ashes to the mountains in West Jefferson where we had wanted to move and live out our lives and scatter our ashes together there.

I loved and still do love Art Joye.  He was a good and generous man.  He was a man who loved his children deeply and would have done anything he could for them.  He provided what he felt was a wonderful childhood for them with private schools, travels all over, and tried to make good memories with them.  Sometimes he would tell me about trips they would take and things they would do.  He would say, “Babe, they MUST remember those good times.”   I saw him cry three times in all the years I knew him…all three times were over his children.  That good man would tell you though to learn from his mistakes.  Don’t paint illusions in life.  Be real, be honest, be open.  There is no shame in not having a fancy house or car.  There is no shame in going through a rough time.    If you talk about it, others are sometimes given hope to realize they aren’t the only ones having problems.  They might find a solution to their problems by learning from yours.

If a marriage or relationship is truly over – end it – don’t drag out the misery and hurt everyone involved.  He would tell you to bite the bullet and deal with the emotional pain that you may cause someone else because of what needs to happen.  If there is a breakup, a disagreement or divorce, settle it amicably ~ but shoot straight ~ be honest but kind.  Don’t spend more money in legal fees fighting over “stuff” that is worth less than the legal fees.    Don’t turn your children against the other parent.  Don’t let your children be pulled into it and poisoned.  He would say sometimes the opportunities for reconciliation are forever gone on this earth.

Don’t let the last words you have with someone be negative or in anger…or just as bad, that there are NO WORDS…no communication.  Early in our dating life, Art made fun of me because when I spoke on the phone with any of my family my last words were always “I love you”.  I told him I wanted the assurance of knowing if something ever happened to me or to them, that the last words they heard from me were “I love you”.  It was sweet because in the last couple of years, he had started always ending our calls with “I love you”.  A month or so after he died I realized I was afraid of forgetting what his voice sounded like.  I went into my phone to see if I had any voice mails left from him and I did.  I still play his last message from the grocery store where he was checking to see if I needed anything else…he ended it “I love you, Babe.”  I treasure that.

We don’t get do-overs in this life…don’t blow it!